|
Our wedding day. |
I
haven't had butterflies this active in my stomach since the night I
stood in line during a San Francisco winter rainstorm to have my chance
to marry the woman I love. If we win today, can I sue the state of
California to undo their vicious invalidation and reinstate our wedding
day as Feb. 16, 2004? I'm serious. Can I?
I'm being flooded with memories fast and furious. So I'm going to share a piece I wrote in 2005 about our experiences during that now infamous, first Valentine's weekend of love.
by Genta Sebastian
Feb. 16, 2005
I looked up from my personal puddle, and down the line of
huddled figures trying to find shelter under umbrellas and blankets from the
frigid San Francisco storm. Strangers had come by earlier, but when they left,
so did the last of the hot coffee. It was four in the morning of Monday,
February 16, 2004, and I was camped in a borrowed lawn chair under two sodden
umbrellas, waiting for the volunteers who would open City Hall on this
Presidents’ Day holiday. Traf, the woman I’ve loved for years and planned to
marry, was sleeping as best she could in our parked car across the street.
Through the punishing rain I could just make out our Minnesota plates among the
California ones.
We’d driven non-stop from my mother’s house in central
California, where we were visiting, as soon as we heard legal gay marriages
were being performed in San Francisco, and arrived on February 14th in the City
of Love. It was already night, and City Hall was closed, so we’d waited in line
for a Valentine dinner on Fisherman’s Wharf, relaxing in the atmosphere around
us enough to whisper words of love and hold each others’ hand covertly beneath
the cover of white tablecloths.
We found the only hotel room left in the entire city that
night, and slept like the two women in comfortable shoes that we are. My Beloved
was fifty-six, I nine years younger, and the long road trip had taken its toll
on mind and body.
At eight the next morning I rose first, still tired but
excited by the knowledge that today at long last, was our wedding day. I was
making complimentary coffee and had just turned on the news when the TV filled
with coverage of block long lines around City Hall. I stared at Traf, she
stared back at me, and we both turned to stare at the television. We flew into
action and raced for our chance to be married. Apparently we weren’t the only
ones eager to take part in this historical moment.
The gay community had been abuzz since the sudden action
by Mayor Newsom three days earlier, legalizing marriage for the first time
anywhere in the United States in the City of San Francisco. Conventional wisdom
held that the weddings would be stopped on Tuesday, February 17th, as soon as
government got back to business as usual, being run by duly elected homophobes
and cowards. The weddings had started on Friday, and it was already Sunday
morning when we arrived at City Hall. When we tried to join first one, and then
the other line, we were told that only those with vouchers would be married
today, Line A first, and if there was time, the people in Line B. We were told
they’d decided not to hand out any more vouchers because they couldn’t be sure
how long they’d be allowed to proceed legally, and we should go away and try
again tomorrow.
I looked at Traf’s face, grumpy because she hadn’t had
any coffee yet, and thought about just giving up. We’d raced off without the
proper funds or preparations for a vacation, and we were exhausted after a
2,500 mile drive from Minnesota a few days earlier. We’d arrived too late the
day before to get married, and today they were telling us only the two lines
which had formed before dawn surrounding the block would be served.
We weren’t the only ones looking frustrated. Tuesday
morning would surely bring an end to the weddings, and damn it, Traf and I
wanted to be one of the fortunate couples. We wanted our chance to be married,
and had come a long way to realize it. I was deeply in love with Traf, and had already
tied my future to hers, but I wanted to honor that union as legal, to have our
marriage recognized as equal to that of any other couple. So I stared at the
lucky ones in Lines A and B and was jealous of their good fortune
We walked the block surrounding City Hall, talking to
some of the excited couples waiting to get married. They crossed all economic,
racial, and religious lines, since we’re a steady four to ten percent of all
populations. Two women were both in white wedding dresses, and more than one
couple of men wore tuxedos. Others were dressed very casually in jeans and
t-shirts. Some people wore very feminine clothes and others more masculine
ones. A few of the women might have passed for men. Some of the men were in
drag, from the outrageous to the frumpy. Several couples were dressed as if
they were attending a costume party, others were elegantly draped and coiffed.
Many had family and friends in attendance, others had come in small groups
together, and still others, like Traf and I, were little islands unto
themselves.
After circling the block aimlessly, we finally talked to
several people and found a group as lost as we were. Together we formed a third
line, intending to wait and see if we could be fit in today, after those with
vouchers had been married. We told anyone and everyone who would listen that we
were the self-proclaimed C Line, and we would wait as long as it took to get
married.
Volunteers wandered in and out as during the morning Line
A, then in the afternoon Line B, were allowed into City Hall. Happy couples
waving their licenses burst through the glass doors to descend the long
stairway, jumping into their cars and honking horns as they drove away. Friends
and families, and some total strangers eager to share in the joy, gathered at
the foot of the long staircase, throwing rice and flower petals at the legal
couples so happy in their declared love.
Traf was growing restless, wandering in and out of the
crowd. Standing on the hard sidewalk was beginning to hurt the double fusion in
her back. I found aspirin in my purse, and held our spot watching everything,
determined to forget nothing.
We were maybe the tenth couple in the new line. A pair of
men from Bakersfield stood in front of us, and a lesbian couple behind us, from
Palm Springs, near the Mexico border. As the morning passed conversations rose
around us. We joined in.
Strangers came. A mother, and daughter of perhaps seven,
gave me a fresh pink rose and wished us good luck before passing other flowers
to the couples waiting. Some people brought Valentine candy, handing out kisses
and hugs with their own best wishes. University students arrived with their
waivers and endless lists of questions. Youngsters drove by and honked their
horns, some yelling, “Way to go!” and others shouting, “Faggots! Dykes!” Across
the street a group of relatively normal looking people had gathered with signs
that read: 1 MAN + 1 WOMAN = MARRIAGE; and GOD MADE ADAM AND EVE, NOT ADAM AND
STEVE. A group of Muslim women had recently swelled their ranks, dressed in
symbols of their servitude to a male dominated society. They held themselves apart,
standing mutely in protest of the weddings being performed across the street in
City Hall.
The Sisters of Perpetual Indulgence, a gaggle of drag
queen nuns who do great work raising funds for AIDS and it’s prevention, swept
dramatically into view, grabbing the focus of the media. Television cameras and
crews had been cruising the lines all day, interviewing a few couples, but
mostly giving their “informed” take on what was happening. It was a relief to
watch the Sisters work their particular brand of outrageous spiritual magic on
the indifferent newscasters.
Once the floodlights turned off, the Sisters turned to
us, offering coffee and asking about our stories. Standing sedately in their
flamboyant costumes and makeup, they listened respectfully as each couple
quietly explained their reasons for marrying, and when they turned to us, my
beloved Traf said, “Because I want to die a first class citizen, with all those rights and responsibilities, rather than a second class citizen, as I’ve
lived.” I swear to God those were her words.
Traf’s usually very quiet, but when she speaks, her
wisdom glows. I beamed at her standing behind me, taking her hand proudly. My
sweetie pulled hers free, unwilling even there, even then, to expose us to harassment,
ridicule, or even danger from the homophobes across the street. Some of them
looked bat poop crazy.
The drag queen smiled at me sadly, nodding. It’s the age
old story of our people, hiding in plain sight, unwilling to risk our loved
ones to the hatred of others. I’m long used to it, although it still chafes.
But it kept our daughters relatively free of harassment as they grew up, and
was still protecting our four grandchildren. That’s what mattered.
I looked up when Traf growled at the people standing
across the street. They were loudly cheering a decorated truck covered with the
slogans, Die QUEERS Die, and GOD HATES FAGS as it turned the corner, blaring
it’s horn. I had already begun thinking of the people across the street as The Haters even before Westboro Baptist Church showed up with their dog and pony show. The people on our side of the street, strangers but still family, I thought of as The Lovers.
The Haters didn’t bother me nearly as much as they bothered Traf. But then, I’ve
never been on the receiving end of physical violence. She has.
The afternoon was overcast when we noticed the volunteers
beginning to leave. It was clear the weddings were over for the day when Mabel
Teng, San Francisco’s Assessor-Recorder, came out to speak with us. She wanted
us to leave, telling us they couldn’t guarantee our safety. Mrs. Teng explained
a winter storm was coming, and pointed to the darkening skies. She told us to
go home, and come back in the morning.
A woman called out, asking if we’d be arrested if we
stayed. Mrs. Teng explained that we wouldn’t be arrested, but we wouldn’t be protected
either. The volunteers were going home. They were tired from a full, exhausting
three days. They’d be back in the morning, and we could try again then.
The hundred or more couples who were now waiting with us
began shouting. Someone asked for vouchers guaranteeing us a place in line to
get married tomorrow. By that time I was wishing for one, then we could find
another hotel room and rest. It had been a long day.
But no. Mrs. Teng held firm in the decision not to hand
out vouchers. We’d just have to take our chances. She once more reiterated that
they could not guarantee our safety if we insisted on staying in front of City
Hall. She urged us to take shelter from the coming storm.
Someone spoke for us all and said that we weren’t giving
up our one chance to get married, and we’d still be here when they got back in
the morning. Mrs. Teng gestured helplessly at the group of protesters across the
street, and said once more that they couldn’t guarantee our safety. Many of the
off duty police who’d kept the Lovers and Haters separated during the day were
also going home. It was clear she feared there could be violence.
Someone, maybe me, shouted that we would take care of
each other like we always had, and there was vocal agreement up and down the
line. More than a few defiant fists were raised in the air. Although she argued
with us a while longer, Mrs. Teng had no choice but to leave us where we were,
awaiting our destiny.
The small restaurants and shops in the vicinity were enjoying
a brisk business from not only the gays and lesbians getting married and their
friends and families, but also those who came to witness the phenomenon. As
people started settling in for the night, I found a small drugstore and bought
the last umbrella, and a pair of rain ponchos. With chips and cookies, bottled
water and instant coffee, we settled into our chairs to try and relax. Groups of people
had wisely rented nearby hotel rooms, now completely booked, and the majority
were relaxing while the few took turns manning the line. Someone left us an
umbrella.
Among those still in line, the mood turned festive.
Before long people who lived close enough to fetch supplies began erecting pup
tents on the small raised lawn surrounding City Hall. Others brought sleeping
bags, and then unrolled them to sit more comfortably on the grass. A few people
had lanterns, which began glowing softly in the pre-storm quiet. The weddings
were over, the reporters had turned off their lights and packed up for the five
o’clock news, the well wishers had gone home for dinner. A haze of happy
exhaustion began wending through those of us who held our places in line. The Haters were still across the street, but they too were less vocal now that the
weddings were over, their numbers reducing as the evening wore on.
“Get those tents and sleeping bags off the lawn!” came
the loud bark of an angry city cop. He was average height and a little beefy,
and his eyes were looking thunderbolts at everyone around him. His voice rose
even louder as he echoed himself, adding, “...or you’ll be arrested!”
I’m sure I wasn’t the only one who wondered if we were
all going to end up guests of the City for the evening, and I thought about
grabbing Traf and running across the street to jump in our car and speed off.
Officer Power started walking the lawn, hurrying those who were quickly obeying
his orders, and his hand rested threateningly on his nightstick. He was getting
louder and more aggressive. An off duty cop I’d seen keeping the Haters at bay
earlier suddenly showed up, a half eaten sandwich in one hand. He walked up to
Officer Power and spoke to him quietly, gesturing at the people rapidly
complying. Officer Power unpuffed, and walked off with Officer Peace.
No one wanted another confrontation, so the small tent
city evaporated. The sleeping bags made islands on the sidewalk, used for a
little insulation from the cold concrete. Friends and families of the couples
waiting began to show up, either sharing in the lovers’ vigil, or taking their places
to give them a rest. There were still some half hearted cat calls from the
dwindling group of Haters, but we ignored them.
Out of the darkening gloom three of the Sisters of Perpetual
Indulgence showed up again, still in drag, handing out homemade PB&J
sandwiches and hot coffee. The Haters jeered loudly, but were clearly envious
of the warm drinks. I was ecstatic. The temperature had dropped and I had
naively dressed for a warmer climate. Drag queen
nuns perhaps, but to me they were angels of mercy. I needed that coffee.
It had now been more than twenty-four hours since Traf
and I left my surprised but supportive mother in Fresno to strike out on our
greatest adventure together. We’d slept for six of those hours. My exhausted body
and over stimulated brain were screaming for a bed, and I was sure that Traf’s were
too, although she stoically denied it. We agreed to take turns grabbing some
sleep in the car, but neither of us was willing to leave the other alone in the
line, not with the Haters still across the street.
The after evening services crowd had begun arriving over there, and
some of them looked the worse for a six pack or two. Traf asked me if I was
sure I wanted to stay, that she’d understand if we admitted defeat and left
before anything bad could happen. Her kind eyes were concerned. She didn’t want
anything to happen to me.
I took her hand and held it firmly, causing someone to
yell at us from across the street. This time Traf didn’t pull back, but gripped
me tightly. A comfortable silence descended between us. We’d see this thing
through, wherever it took us, just as we’d lived our lives.
But after awhile I needed a bathroom, and the businesses
around us had closed. I’d never dropped my drawers to pee behind a bush in my
life, and I certainly wasn’t going to start on the front lawn of San
Francisco’s City Hall. I grit my teeth and refused to drink any more. Sitting
very still helped, but only a little. I stopped talking to anyone, focusing on
keeping control. After awhile I began to realize that soon I’d have no choice
in the matter of where I went, and just then a miracle happened.
Some kind soul arranged for three port-a-potties to be
set up at the corner. I wasn’t the only one to jump up and join the line and
soon we all felt much better, exchanging words of support and encouragement
once more. God bless and keep our wondrous benefactor. It’s a thousand times
easier to be brave and true when you’re not doing the potty dance.
The rain began lightly enough, but grew steadily in
intensity. At first it was possible to stay reasonably dry wearing ponchos and huddling under the umbrellas,
but then the skies opened up and dumped gallons of water on us, a strong wind
blowing it in and under everything. Drenched, miserable, we huddled in small
groups, taking pleasure only in the sight of the Haters scattering. They stood
up for what they believed all right, until they got wet.
Traf’s back had forced her to sit down hours earlier and
the cold wind and rain were making her stiffen miserably. Since the Haters were
gone she agreed to take shelter in our car. I told her I’d replace her in a few
hours. She shambled off under the meager shelter of a ball cap some kind soul
had distributed in the first minutes of the rain. I wrapped a sodden blanket
around me and clenched the handles of the two umbrellas with my arthritic
fingers.
The media showed up just after midnight, thrilled to film
our misery. Their flood lights pierced the darkness, showing the sheets of
pounding rain battering us. Handsome and/or beautiful reporters clutched their
trench coats and pontificated on our determination. Each channel took turns
interviewing the first couple in line. The two men were blooming, warming
themselves on the attention. I was happy for them, but as for me I wished the
media would go away and leave us alone. The flood lights swept over us again
and again.
Three in the morning came and went and I let Traf sleep.
I was already as cold and miserable as I was going to get, and I just closed my
eyes and suffered the incessant pounding of the rain and the water running down
my thoroughly chilled body. The early morning hours drew out for an eternity,
and I filled the time remembering why I was doing this.
Traf and I owned a house, planted a garden, and took care
of our family. We paid taxes, donated to charity, and baked cookies for the neighbors every Christmas. We lived exactly like the other married couples on the block, down to decorating Easter eggs with the grand kids, and holding a candlelight vigil on our street corner the evening of September 11, 2001.
Her back was broken at
work, crashing two discs and injuring four more. Two surgeries later she was
declared totally disabled. She chafed at the restrictions, begging her doctor
for a work release. It was denied. I can’t speak for every butch, but all the
ones I know, Traf included, feel very strongly identified with their jobs. It
devastated her to stay at home.
When my school district finally discovered I was a
lesbian after years of teaching, they fired me on the spot. Never mind my
sterling record, many awards, and public recognition for saving a student’s
life with the Heimlich maneuver. They refused to let “a pervert” work around
children. That put me in a financial bind, and into a deep depression.
Thank goodness Traf was covered by Medicare when she
started suffering angina in 2002. The worst moment of my life came when her
eyes rolled back in her head and she crumpled at my feet, showing no signs of
life. Time moved too fast and too slow in the nightmare time between the 911
call and driving to the hospital following the ambulance.
The Emergency Room nurse wouldn’t let me in to see her
until one of our daughters arrived twenty minutes later and vouched for me. Nurse Ratchet wouldn’t
even tell me if Traf was alive, or dead, smirking at me from her cage. She
enjoyed heaping pain upon my already suffering head. It pleased her to hurt me.
It was then I understood the plate glass between them and us; I wanted to reach
in and throttle her.
Excellent doctors diagnosed heart disease and inserted
three stents in Traf’s heart. However the surgeon didn’t consider me immediate
family so I was not notified when my dear one came out of surgery. I was left sitting
in the waiting room for several extra hours, worrying about the unusual length of the
procedure, until a passing nurse took pity on me and told me where she was. I
was still clutching her medical Power of Attorney in my hand, having shown it
to one and all.
Every time I’ve been hurt Traf has been there to hold me
and offer words of love and support. She’s been my rock and muse, a most
wondrously unusual combination. Over the years our extended families have
accepted us, even the born again Christian faction, and together we’ve suffered
the anguish of loss and illness on both sides. I’ve dried her tears, she’s
dried mine.
Traf taught me how to fish, and stay within a budget. I
taught her to swim, and spell. She gave me two daughters, I gave her three
cats. We’ve colored each others’ gray hairs, and kissed each wrinkle as they’ve
blessed our faces. And yes, we’ve found passion in each other’s arms, as well
as strength and comfort.
So I bore the cold wind and battering rain, because we’re
a couple. We’d always been a family, and we always would be. A piece of paper wouldn’t
change that one bit. But for the first times in our lives, we’d be recognized
as just as good, just as valid a couple as any other - at least in San
Francisco until Tuesday morning. But even if we were married for only a few
hours, we would have told the world, “This is my wife, and I am hers, with all
the same rights and responsibilities as any president, senator, or convicted felon.”
Traf prodded me out of my stupor at five in the morning.
It was still very dark, and the rain showed no signs of letting up. She looked
much refreshed, and I gratefully made my way stiffly to our car. I dropped the
sodden blanket in the street beside the passenger door. No sense bringing it in
with me. I locked the door, turned on the car heater and fell deeply asleep
under the lap robe we always carry, ignoring the media trucks parking all
around me, setting up for their early morning field reports.
Traf roused me at eight. Mrs. Teng was back, and had told
those waiting in line that she’d been moved through the night by the news
coverage of our determination to get married. She promised to open City Hall to
get us in out of the rain as soon as possible. Then she turned to the watching
TV cameras and asked all volunteers to come in as early as possible. She vowed
to marry as many of us as possible. It was President’s Day Monday, the courts
would open in twenty four hours. It was a race against time. We were allowed to
move our line up the grand staircase. This was it.
The reporters chased her into the building, then turned
to devour us. One even interviewed me as I watched Traf immediately wander out
of sight. She rejoined me once the camera was turned off and playfully called
out to the reporter, a pretty young woman, asking if she were married or not.
The
reporter was walking away, and tossed back over her shoulder that no, she wasn’t married. Traf called loudly after her,
“Well I’m single for a few more minutes. You want to mess around?” The
reporter stopped dead in her tracks and did a slow swirl on one high heeled pump and then burst out into great guffaws of
laughter, much larger than one would expect from a person so small. The people
in line around us, who had heard the exchange, all laughed uproariously.
We
were ready. The importance of the moment was flooding through those of us who
had stood the storm, warming our chilled bodies and souls. We would all have
the same anniversary, if we had any anniversary.
Around nine the rain finally began to let up, and as our
line slowly filed into City Hall, we took turns changing clothes and sprucing
up as best we could in the public restrooms. Someone had thoughtfully left a
blow dryer, hair spray, and several shades of lipstick in the Ladies’ Room. Traf
lugged in our overnight bag from the car, and we changed into our nice clothes,
a dress for me and a suit for her. We might have been decades older but I
felt every bit as much the eager bride as the young women around me. In only a few minutes more I would be a married lady.
Everyone had been well trained in the legalities, and
great pains were taken to ensure that everything was done right so as to stand
up under future legal challenges. Nothing was crossed out. If mistakes were
made, new forms were supplied and filled out. Fees were paid, applications were
sworn to and signed. When all the legalities had been observed, we joined a line in
the rotunda.
All around that magnificent edifice, joy was abounding.
Wherever there was room to gather, volunteer officials were performing legal
marriages for glowing couples. Voices rang through the rounded dome, excitement
in every one. As a wedding ended the marriage certificates were quickly signed,
and a new group would pass the old, exchanging best wishes and congratulating
each other.
A bright-eyed young man greeted us at the head of the
line, asking if we needed a witness. Neither Traf nor I had considered this and we quickly agreed. He told us his name, and that he was a straight college
student who’d seen the weddings on the news. He’d come to see the gay weddings
for himself, and ended up staying to offer his services as a witness. He said
to me, “I wish some of the guys in my dorm could see this for themselves.
They’d know then it’s not about sex. It’s about love.” I nearly kissed him.
I expected to be led up the grand staircase to be married
by one of the dozens of officials performing weddings, but instead we were
swept up by a lovely young woman who introduced herself as one of Mayor
Newsom’s assistants. She took us upstairs in a private elevator to the Office
of the Mayor, and we were married there, standing before a window framed by one
American flag, and one California flag. I was suddenly flooded with memories of
Mayor Moscone, and brave Harvey Milk, and could almost feel their benevolent
spirits blessing our union as we repeated the magic words that transform two
into one.
As I kissed my wife, I knew completeness for the first
time in my life. We’d done it. We were married. At this time, in this place, we
were legally conjoined and recognized by a legitimate government. It was a
moment of tremendous romance, historic significance, and personal triumph. I
did what any other woman in my shoes would have done. I smiled through my
tears, and hugged everyone in sight.
As we walked out of City Hall into the sunlight breaking
through the clouds, we held hands. Traf lifted our newly printed marriage
certificate over her head and the crowd of well wishing strangers gathered
below cheered. The crowd across the street booed. Traf stared at them for one
moment, then turned and kissed me right there, out in the open, for God and
everyone to see. It was our first public kiss, the kiss of unashamed newlyweds
in the land of the free and the home of the brave.
In my hand I still clutched the rose, remarkably preserved in the cold weather, that the mother and child had given me over twenty four hours ago. I
raised it to my lips and kissed it. As we walked down the steps together, hand
in hand, I gave it to a glowing woman waiting her turn in line to marry the woman she loved.
The city of San Francisco fought discrimination long and
hard. Six months later we were sent a letter from the State of California,
invalidating our marriage, and offering a refund for the fees we’d paid. We
donated the money to the continuing effort to legalize gay marriage.
The powers that be have stripped us of legitimate legal
status once more, but for six months last year we were recognized as a legally married
couple by the progressive City of San Francisco. I will be eternally grateful
to Mayor Newsom, Mabel Teng, and the hundreds of volunteers who made my dearest
wish possible.
Being equal for the first time in my long life has
transformed me. I no longer sit back, content to hide in the shadows. When
people are needed to make a statement, I am there and so is my pocketbook. I
volunteer. I organize. I speak out. I’ve met great support, and great
opposition. It is important that I do this for future generations of families like ours. I do
it for Traf, and the past that binds us together.
There are too many times when I am beaten down, feeling
myself a Don Quixote battling giant windmills. I wonder if it’s madness to
expect change in the current regime of fear and repression. Will I live to see
my own country recognize us as the equals we are, rather than the second class
citizens they proclaim us to be? That thought always spurs me to action once more. I take a deep breath and rejoin the fray. I will fight for my family and the woman I love until my
last breath, if need be.
Some impossible dreams are worth all sacrifice.